Amazing how you see things differently when you’re an “adult”

I use the term in quotes because although I am 27 years old, I still don’t feel like a real live adult yet. But I can be tried as one, so I’d better refer to myself as such for legal purposes. Anyway, on with the true purpose of this rant: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Chiefly, the Christmas special that has been shown year after year during the holidays. I have a theory that no one actually made that tv show. It simply existed, floating amongst the cosmos as a stray signal, waiting for a thing called television to be invented on a place called Earth. And then it started making annual visits every December, working it’s way into our subconscious. And it was while watching it again this year, with friends and under the influence of some alcohol, that I noticed something: it is one of the most disturbing things ever shown on tv.

Let me explain. To start with, the Santa that is depicted in this show is not the benevolent, kindly saint that delivers presents and cheer the world round. This Santa is a miserly, irascible grouch. Oh, and he ascribes to the ideas of eugenics. That’s right, this Santa is a racist bastard, as evidenced by his immediate reaction to the birth of Rudolph. He’s fine with the little fawn, as long as he’s “normal.” But the second that genetic anomaly of a red nose makes an appearance, Santa changes his tune. If Santa had a gun, I think he would have plugged the poor little guy right there on the spot. And not only that, but his Third Reich of the North Pole has the entire populace trained to weed out anyone exhibiting signs of individualism and crush it through social stigmatization. Take Hermie the elf. Wants to be a dentist, exploring an alternative lifestyle to the toy making world he is in. Instead of encouraging him, his superiors threaten and ridicule him, despite the fact that a dentist could be handy in a land where the diet consists of cookies, hard candy, and hot chocolate.

So the two freaks of nature are outcast from Disney’s Magic Kingdom Santa’s North Pole workshop. These two young’ens then run away (and no one thinks to look for them until much later). The first person they meet is Yukon Cornelius, a prospector so far around the bend he talks to his dogs and licks a metal pick ax in the middle of the arctic. And it looks like he’s been out there a while. Alone. With only dogs for company. And now he’s with a young boy and his reindeer. I don’t want to insinuate anything. I’m just saying Rudolph and Herbie probably needed a lot of counseling and developed a strong aversion to beards.

Then along comes the Bumble. I’m fully convinced that creature was the result of the unholy experiments of St. Nick himself, a genetic accident from the fat man’s attempts to clone the perfect elf. Repulsed by the affront before God he had created, Santa banished the creature to the frozen wastes to keep any from escaping his little sweatshop in order to inform the authorities. But what is truly disturbing is what Rudolph and Co. do to the savage beastie. Herbie, mustering up a lifetimes worth of pent up aggression coupled with a pathological obsession for dentistry, goes Marathon Man on the poor creature and RIPS OUT THE BUMBLE’S TEETH!!! Thus condemning the hapless genetic anamoly to a life time of fish and reindeer smoothies. Then, to top things off, Yukon Cornelius and his dogs get so swept up in carnal desire for the thing that they charge him and knock him off a cliff, where horribly lewd and degrading things must have happened to the Bumble as the next time we see him he’s now Yukon’s hairy man-slave.

Now I realize I’m leaving out the Island of Misfit toys. There’s a reason for that. That part just freaks me out. I have woken up screaming due to nightmares plagued by Charlie-in-the-Box and that cowboy on the ostrich. Those little abominations must be from Fisher-Price’s H.P. Lovecraft collection.

And that brings us to the end of the program, where Santa, after previously being thin as a rail, has now plumped up nicely in the span of a few weeks. Where did he get the food from? The arctic is not exactly known for its plentiful harvests, and I’m fairly certain no living thing can put on that much weight licking lichen off of rocks. That leads me to one conclusion – Santa has been eating all the reject reindeer and elves. And now Rudolph and Herbie are back in his clutches…

Now don’t even get me started on Frosty the Snowman…

December 7, 2007 at 10:18 pm Leave a comment

Batman Go Back To Fighting Crime

 batman symbol

Batman is no longer fighting crime folks! Instead according to this story he is now scaring and freaking out school age children and then disappearing into the desert. Now I know that this world is in a challenging state of being so the last thing we need is a superhero (yes, I know he’s a fictional character) scaring the crap out of children. I mean Batman stands for protecting against the bad guys not making a surprise appearance at a random school then quickly and evidently quite stealthily(not sure if it’s a word but just work with me here) disappearing completely out of sight. What does this all mean? Is this another sign of the Apocalypse? Will Batman show up at another school? Is Batman a big fat perv? Tune in tomorrow, same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Of course I also realize that the kid who reported this sighting may have missed their medication this morning as well.

February 15, 2007 at 6:15 pm Leave a comment

It Must Be Hard to Live Life Horizontally

I was looking at my dog, Macy, who is a Golden Retriever/Chow mix yesterday, and really thinking alot about her mobility. Specifically her mobility as a horizontally bound entity/being. I was watching her moving around as she was searching for things, things that I can not see nor smell, however I’m guessing she may have been searching for something to eat or to play with. I must add to this that my wife and I keep a clean house so Macy’s search usually goes unrewarded. At any rate she still searches, you’ve got to admire the hope she that she holds onto so closely in this matter. As I was watching her I noticed that she had gotten herself in a tight corner. Her being horizontally bound and all had to basically back up, very awkwardly I might add, to get her way out of the entrapment she had gotten herself into. Then I started to think about myself and how I am mostly an upright or vertical, to coincide with directionally challenged lingo here. If I were in the same situation as Macy, kind of stuck in a corner, all I have to do is use my two feet, thankfully not four, and rotate myself around towards the exit. I don’t have to do the technique that Macy practiced. Which to remind you was to back herself up blindly and slightly bumping into a chair in the process. Of course another disadvantage is that being horizontally bound you would have a hard time being fashionable. I know you’re thinking that the dog clothing you have seen from your neighbors is pretty fashionable or you may even “dress up” your little or big dog to make him or her to look just like your imaginary friend you had in kindergarten named Howard or Jane. However that may be fine and dandy but the thing is that when you’re upright or vertical as I’ll say in this article then you are more versatile in the kinds of clothing that you can wear. When you’re vertical you can wear most clothing more comfortably than you could if you were horizontal. A dog would not enjoy wearing a dress because of it’s length. Sure the dog’s tail would push the dress up a little to forgo some slack however it still would not be enough because the dog inevitably would still walk on the dress somehow on it’s front paws. Which as you could imagine would be a slight catastrophe for the dog. You may be thinking quickly ahead of me and say well I believe that a dog could in fact wear an article of clothing that is in the “dresses” family/genre. I would say to you yes you may be right but I don’t think that your dog or my dog would enjoy wearing a miniskirt.

Addendum:

I have also noticed that being horizontal evidently influences you to forget that you are horizontal, more specifically, that there may be more to yourelf than when you just look down or from side to side. For instance, Macy must will sporadically forget that there is more to her than she seems to remember and will spontaneously attack what she must presume is something that has snuck up on her and is now to her back. This something would be her tail. She acts like she’s never seen it before therefore she at times really goes at her tail to the point of really throwing herself down to the floor. This must be another disadvantage of being horizontal.   Note to reader:–She then will get up and look around like, Well crap that was just me.

February 4, 2007 at 2:29 am Leave a comment

To Celebrate Our 200th VISITOR

Let’s just say HEY YA!

Lead singer from Obadiah Parker doing a cover of Outkast’s Hey Ya!

January 26, 2007 at 12:38 am Leave a comment

They’re Coming For You AKA It’s Freaky Robot Sunday!

I came across several of these weird looking robots with whatever special powers they can have recently. I wanted to share them with you. Hopefully they won’t freak you out too bad. This one is so scary people have to get a consent saying they are 18 years old or older just to see it. Another one is fueled by water and wood to feed itself even after its power has been lost. Next there’s a video connected to this article of this robotic face doing it’s weird sci-fi type interactions with it’s too real or not quite real facial expressions, you decide. This robot could soon be teaching your kids or giving them future therapy sessions, it’s not decided yet. Ok so our technology may seem have gone too far and yet once again sci-fi movies have a certain self-fulfilling like prophecy towards our scientifically engaged culture. I think if I saw one of these things anywhere especially banded together like a posse of terminating robots I’d be a little worried. Real worried. On a serious note though it is quite amazing what people’s time and energy go into and for these inventors/engineers it’s to see who can create a something quite human yet not quite there. Is this another case of humanity’s arrogance or simple brilliance?

January 21, 2007 at 10:55 pm Leave a comment

Wow what a Blizzard!

Ok so I live in a state that does not see much snow and yesterday was one of the single days of the year where we really got freaked out by the “Blizzard”. As evidence by the many wrecks and general freak outs by these snow/ wintry type precipitation deprived people that live within this state. Quite sad really I mean I saw one accident where the person obviously was just experiencing so much shock and awe that they ran into another car while in a parking lot. I mean really were they scared of the snowflakes did they think they had mutated into paint and flesh eating snowflakes. That was just one of the highlighted accidents on the news. And to see the news anchors talk about the little bit of snow and sleet we did get you’d think that it was the Blizzard of 1993. I’m all for caution don’t get me wrong but let’s not over-react. It’s so cliche( I’m still going to use it though), but I know the poor grocery stores were just jam packed with people gathering their precious bread and milk. For goodness sakes people.

January 20, 2007 at 3:15 am Leave a comment

Attention All Pro Athletes This Is For The Love Of The GAME

This is from a high school football game, the Texas High School Football Championship. The teams are Austin Westlake and Southlake Carroll and the QB who is the star of the show is Riley Dodge. Seriously, I didn’t see the game live however this is either a sickness, or he is really really nervous. In the end he shows more poise than some pro and college players. He is determined to keep playing and to obviously play well and I say, Good for him.

I credit Deadspin.com for the original find. And no I don’t have any affiliation with that website/ blog.

January 20, 2007 at 2:59 am Leave a comment

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